The Times, July 27, 2017
Readers decide from the first few words if they want to carry on with a story. Probably one of the best ways to make them move straight to another item is to start with ‘French officials . . .’
This intro would be much better on these lines:
Wildfires on the Riviera which have forced thousands of holidaymakers and residents to flee were started deliberately, say French officials.
Rolls-Royce reveals its new Phantom: A £350,000 work of automotive art that it promises will be ‘the most silent car in the world’
Mail Online, July 28, 2017
‘Silent’ cannot be qualified. It is either silent or it is not. This should say ‘the quietest car in the world’.
The Times, July 24, 2017
(96 words) This story is meaningless unless you know the distances involved, and it suggests that the only discipline is cycling. Looking up Ms Hutton, she lost her lower legs rather than her feet. The story should mention where she is from. If you are going to say it is the world’s largest triathlon you need to say how many competitors there were.
This how I would do it:
A woman who has had her hands and lower legs amputated completed the world’s largest triathlon with 14,000 other athletes in London yesterday.
Corinne Hutton, 47, also had most of a lung removed as a result of her near-fatal bout of septicaemia in 2013.
She finished the AJ Bell triathlon course, which comprised a 400m swim, 10km cycle ride and a 2.5km run, in one hour, 52 minutes. She was racing in aid of the charity she founded, Finding Your Feet, for people affected by missing limbs.
Ms Hutton, from Lochwinnoch, Renfrewshire, said: ‘I absolutely loved the challenge.’ (98 words)
Sunday Times, July 23, 2017
What is it about restaurant critics that they feel the need to show off with fancy words? My husband and I have read a lot in our time, and we had never seen this one. Nor had an even better-read friend. It turns out to be a French word meaning ‘sudden deterioration’. I have given a large chunk of this tedious review so that you can judge for yourselves if it is le mot juste. It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. Anyway, as it is a French word which is in no measure anglicised, in my opinion it should be in italics and have an acute accent over the first ‘e’. Better still, don’t use it at all unless you want to look silly.
Daily Express, July 20, 2017
I wonder how Express subs live if they think that a hut without running water, mains electricity or sanitation is ‘luxury’. Worse, using the word destroys the point of the story, which is the contrast between the high price tag and the lack of facilities. The heading has the right idea.
Daily Express, July 20, 2017
This ignorance astounds me. I would have thought everyone knows that Bridlington is not part of Hull, but is a separate town, and traditional holiday resort, nearly 30 miles away.
i newspaper, July 22, 2017
(145 words) This story is meaningless without giving the present journey time and the distance between the two cities. If Elon Musk is well enough known to be in the headline, he should be in the intro too. I think if something is called ‘Space X’, you can take it that it has something to do with space.
This is how I would do it:
The technological entrepreneur Elon Musk claimed yesterday to have received verbal permission to build a ‘hyperloop’ which would transport passengers the 220 miles between Washington DC and New York City in just 29 minutes.
The present journey time by train is about three hours.
Mr Musk, who is known for his Tesla electric car and Space X rocket venture, did not specify who he had dealt with at the White House.
He wrote on social media: ‘Just received verbal govt approval . . . to build an underground NY-Phil-Balt-DC Hyperloop. NY-DC in 29 mins.’
The hyperloop would send pods along tubes with low air pressure, thus reducing friction, at up to 700mph. Mr Musk, who has set up a tunnelling firm called the Boring Company, is also proposing to link Los Angeles and San Francisco, a distance of 380 miles, in the same way. (144 words)
The Times, July 22, 2017
It goes without saying that undercover police officers will not be wearing uniforms or riding bicycles marked ‘Police’. You have to think about every word.
A man who accidentally strangled a 16-year-old girl to death while pursuing a “sexual thrill” has been jailed for 12 years for her manslaughter.
BBC News Online, July 20, 2017
To strangle means to cause death by compressing the throat, so ‘strangle’ is sufficient. Alternatively you can say ‘choked to death’, or ‘choked’ if death does not result.
The Times, July 21, 2017
There is something important missing here – the sentence (which was 12 years). It’s not optional, and should go where the asterisk is.